Rolls Change Just because you can cook the perfect chicken casserole, iron the perfect shirt or cut the perfect lawn doesn’t mean you’re the best choice to manage your family’s money. Your roles might be specific but they don’t necessarily mean they’ll make your family money. Learn From Matt and Sarah Matt and Sarah just celebrated their 10 year anniversary. For most of that time Matt has managed their finances, just like his father always managed the money while he was growing up. It hasn’t always been stellar, but he’s pulled them through with mostly successful financial choices. The problem is, he’s typically stressed about their money. In fact, he took over the finances because he wasn’t sure Sarah was “cut out” for the job and he views money management as a manly thing . Matt brings some pretty major skills to their finances. He’s quick with numbers, he pays attention to details, he knows the need for a balanced check book and he pays the bills. It brings him a sense of pride to tell his friends and family that he takes care of the finances while Sarah takes care of other stuff. Sarah isn’t as excited about Matt’s money-role. She says that he is typically anxious about spending, irritated with the way she spends money and gloomy about future financial solvency. She thinks it’s time for him to be relieved of this duty and she is applying for the job of Family Finance Manager. Matt doesn’t think this is a good idea and the issue has escalated into a fight. Be Flexible Sometimes couples forget that just because one of them can cook better, add numbers better, or clean better, this means they should take on the roles that specifically use those skills. Sounds reasonable, right? Maybe not! Many people who can cook shouldn’t necessarily be chefs. Many people who can clean shouldn’t do all of the cleaning (seriously, no one person should have to clean all the toilets, all the time!). Just because you can do arithmetic in your head doesn’t mean you should manage the family’s money.  Why? Because having one skill related to an important task doesn’t mean you have the most important skills related to that task. (Don’t get down on yourself, I’m sure your kids will come to you with algebra problems.) It stands that reason that a person who loves to keep their car clean doesn’t necessarily like to keep their closet, bathroom or work shop clean. If the person who likes to clean also sees the value in keeping other spaces clean, then by all means put them in charge of cleaning duties around the house. However, if their need to clean...

At Olive Tree Officiating we obviously believe that the wedding is the beginning of something very big. We believe that the wedding ceremony is the starting gun for a new set of experiences that will move an individual’s life from black and white to high definition color. Not all people believe. 1-1=0 Your life will change when you get married but it should grow in all the positive ways. It will grow in love, curiosity, fulfillment and strength but you must be a positive part of the equation. Subtracting from you spouse’s joy will end badly for you both. How do spouses take away from each other’s martial potential? By being a drag, being slow to try new things, slow to pick up responsibilities and to get stuff done. Learning to work with your spouse is tough but necessary. You and they are not always willing. Why do marriages fail? Marriages fail when the two parties stop investing in the marriage and start investing in themselves. 1+0 will never equal 2 it can only equal 1. Check yourself before you start doing bad marital-math. 1+0=1 If you are an non-entity in the marriage than you are leaving the marriage worse than when you started. Neutrality is a false position. You have to invest in you intend for the marriage to succeed. Neutrality is not an option. It leads one spouse to determine that they are better off alone. The myth of neutrality says, “I can let my spouse live their life while I live my  life.” This is “1-1=0” thinking in disguise and it will net you nothing. Neutrality happens for two reasons: too many rigid expectations or not enough expectation sharing. If you have a lot of expectations about married-life be ready to let a few go. If you have no expectations get ready to man-up and make some decisions. 1+1=2 You’ve heard this I’m sure. It’s true. Consider this: in marriage two people share the expenses, the cooking, the cleaning and all the rest of the labor-activities you can think of. It’s that simple. Two people are stronger, smarter, faster, tougher and more calculated than one. The same is true emotionally: two people are more intuitive, more understanding and theoretically more loving than one. In life you will have adventure; a spouse will heighten that experience. In life you will have adversaries; who better than your spouse to protect you. Life is best lived together. The threat of a failed marriage can lead us to believe marriage just isn’t worth it. Think again. The math is simple: 1+1=2. 2 are always greater than 1.   Contact: Ric...

After living for years as single people, the newly wedded Todd and Jennifer Starkey were horrified to discover that marriage often times requires sharing. “This is no ordinary sharing!” said Mr. Starkey, his bride wincing at his side. “This is the kind of sharing that makes you want to just, I don’t know, walk out on the whole thing!” Mrs. Starkey seemed to be suffering from a kind of post-wedding-stress-disorder (PWSD). She held the upper portion of Mr. Starkey’s arm periodically shaking it like a tree limb throughout the entirety of the interview. “Had I known this was what marriage was all about, Todd and I probably would have kept our own places and just dated forever. Can you believe couples actually knowingly choose this kind of situation? It’s intolerable. And wrong!” said the beguiled bride. Marital sharing has been on the decline for decades. This lack of sharing has created an opposite effect among teens and pre-teens. Within this demographic, sharing with others is on the rise. A recent pole taken in the territory of Puerto Rico unearthed a trend among youngsters who are choosing to give away many of their belongings, having recognized their older, more selfish peers tend to horde possessions even when others may benefit from them. Christof Spielding, a prominent marriage psychologist and frequenter of the Single’s Bar said, “If marriage must be the inevitable end of your unmarried life then certain pre-nuptial agreements should be firmed up prior to signing on the ‘dotted line’.” The Single’s Bar is a popular hang out known for its rampant patronization by selfish, self indulgent, singles in their mid-thirties who hope never to marry. Dr. Spielding strongly urges all couples to have “a few things” they can keep to themselves even if they should choose to marry. “These things,” he says, “are the way by which an individual might assert and re-assert their autonomy” if the couple happens to disagree. “Making sure your significant other knows which objects in the home (i.e. closet space, vanity and/or specific chair) are ‘mine’ vs. ‘yours’ will bring a speedy end to most disagreements. Spielding went on to say that even in times when the couple is agreeing to share temporarily, writing the owner’s name with a Sharpie on various objects can help to clarify whose stuff is whose.   Contact: Ric...

Rings and vows are among the most recognizable commitment ceremonies. I’ve seen couples tie knots in rope and exchange articles of clothing and other meaningful items as a way to convey their love for one another. The sand ceremony is just one of those ways to bring two people together in a matrimonial ceremony. Brad and Stephanie used all of these in their classy, semi-formal, elopement the day of their wedding. Their vows read like a passionate poem: Today, I give myself to you, My mind is clear,  And my commitment is clear… Sand was the medium of most importance to them. It made sense. Perched atop Spooner’s Cove in Montana de Oro, where the mountains meet the sand, they exchanged vows, rings and two kinds of sand, blended together in the same container. Something they will undoubtedly keep for years. The words of their sand ceremony read like this: Love is a force more formidable than any other. It cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession ever could. They first poured each, their own sands. Then they combined their sands together: …this love joins you together as one, remember the gift of your individuality. Cherish and affirm your differences as you love each other.  Nothing could summarize true love more than this line; one that I will suggest for every couple needing vows: Be supportive of your strengths, and tender towards your weaknesses. Contact: Ric...

Marriage, like all communities, is best when it works sustainably. What is sustainability? A co-worker of mine once told me that he hoped his children would understand the need to “in-put” into life as much or more than they take out. I think that’s a great definition for sustainability: The choice to in-put the same amount or more than one removes from life. At its core, marriage is an agreement between two people. Unlike an agreement we make with a bank to repay a loan in full by a specific date, marriage doesn’t begin with specifics or fine print. Instead, we have to figure out what our marriage will require. We learn about marriage as we invest more and more in it. The longer you learn to love your partner the more you learn what questions to ask. Will you need to put extra time into creative gift-giving? Should you spend your time finishing the ten projects you’ve begun instead of promising your partner you’ll start and complete two more? No one really knows what their marriage will require of them until they’ve been married for a while. A sustainable marriage is one in which partners are conscious of their need to in-put as much or more than their partner, so that the marriage grows strong and vibrant. You may not always know if your spouse feels loved but you can always make the choice to in-put love, affection, warmth and generosity. These kinds of demonstrations produce the healthy soul of a long relationship. Investing warmth and generosity into a marriage might seem like a no-brainer for many couples. In reality, life is tough and your partner’s needs can be a mystery much of the time. We can easily acquire an unsustainable “me-first” focus. A “me” focus takes out of a marriage more than it puts in. It takes more time, more love, more security and more of the resources of the marriage than it is willing to “in-put.” Like a community of people who deplete the earth of natural resources on hand, an unsustainable marriage leaves the foundation of the marriage dry and eroded, lacking strength for hard times, and unable to produce love and affection day to day. Sustainable marriage is only possible when both parties involved believe that their greatest chance for happiness is “in-putting” those things that their partner needs, regardless of what they stand to gain on an individual basis. Like a verdant landscape that thrives on the gift of rain and sunshine, a marriage will grow strong and thrive through giving and receiving what it needs (and more!) from those invested in its long-term health.   Contact: Ric...

Your wedding will not be cheap! I’m sorry. It’s just not possible. If you’re like 99% of couples you’ll need to cut some wedding-costs. Here are a few tips to save you some honeymoon-bucks just in the cake arena. 1. Wedding Cake-Cut If no one has told you yet, most wedding cakes stink! You’ll pay a fortune for a flavorless, over frosted, calorie bomb and have nothing but love-handles to show for it. Consider passing on the official wedding cake and heading to your local big box store (i.e. COSTCO or SAM’s CLUB) to purchase multiple, cheaper and frequently more satisfying cakes. Like the rest of your wedding, you’ll save money if you can buy in bulk. 2. Groom, Bride,…baker? Your friends and family are typically looking for ways to make your special day awesome. Consider, along with address-writing, bow tying and dress shopping, asking your wedding invitees to bake wedding cakes. Not one-hundred different cakes but 100 chocolate lave-cakes, or a few dozen karat cakes or even a couple thousand cupcakes. Let your loved ones do the labor while making memories. 3. No Cake is better than Bad Cake It’s true, cake is kinda the go-to but there are other delectable wedding options that are also cheaper (and better). Try berries and cream. Serve them layered with whipped cream, in an attractive fountain glass. Try an off-color desert like “Dirt Cake:” ground Oreos, cream cheese-whipped topping, layered in a glass dish at each table, served family-style. How about a mixed truffle plate for every guests and an attractive “cake table” with multiple tiers of truffles near the head table. 4. The Non-Conformist Appetizer receptions are increasingly popular and cost effective. With this mind-set, add in an additional course, featuring multiple-stations of homemade deserts. Have your bridesmaids create the menu and source it out to your friends and family. 5. O’l Favs Ice cream sundays, banana splits, and chocolate Sundays bring back the nostalgia that’s just below the surface of every wedding. People want to associate the present good times with past memories. Why not feed those old memories with new experiences and old favorite sweet treats while passing on the overpriced wedding cake.   Contact: Ric...