Good Counsel
It is not uncommon for a couple to attend five or more sessions of marriage counseling prior to getting married. However, before making the commitment of time and money to this endeavor be sure you understand what you’re getting into.
Misconceptions abound with regard to premarital counseling. They range from the belief that a future spouse’s inappropriate behavior might be flushed out and exposed, with a tearful confession to follow. It might be one couple’s desire that the other change their behavior through the use of a third-party “expert.” Sometimes couples simply believe it’s a good thing to do but don’t know why. Though many couples enter counseling well intentioned it is not a sure fire way to prevent marital discord or divorce and it might even make things worse for the couple initially.
Counseling is a high impact event. It pushes a couple to think and talk about topics that are typically not a part of everyday discussion: sex, family relationships, future goals and expectations, past events, financial struggles and the like. Traditional Psychoanalytic Therapists and counselors draw out the bad in a relationship with the idea that if exposed, these things can be resolved through discussion and moderate behavior change. Each couple’s ability to discuss, confront and change ingrained behaviors differs from couple to couple.
There is another form of counseling that focuses on expectations and goal setting. In these types of meetings a couple’s “dirty past” and present insecurities are left alone. Instead the counselor serves as a “coach” trying to draw out each individual’s thoughts and goals. Similar topics are discussed: love, sex, finances and family, but the discussion occurs without negative or positive commentary. Knowing each other’s goals helps the counselor create a road map for where they’d like to go as a couple.
Beyond the more personal or existential reasons for premarital counseling, some states (i.e. Texas) offer a free or discounted rate for marriage license if a couple completes premarital counseling with a certified counselor. (Couples should check with the county clerk in which they intend to be wed for specifics.) Premarital counseling is a requirement of some religious organizations such as the Catholic Church. In these cases, it tends to be less psychological and more religious education for the purpose of membership in a church prior to marriage. Pre-marital counseling is becoming more accessible through standard healthcare. In some cases, a healthcare policy will cover up to 5 sessions of mental healthy which may or may not include marriage counseling. Usually, this form of counseling comes at a reduced rate. Sometimes local religious leaders will provide it for free but most charge a small fee ($50 per session).
Marriage counseling is never a bad idea. Why? Because even the most intimate couples, couples who have known each other for years tend to discuss only what is relevant for getting through each day. It is possible for a couple to never get around to the more complex and therefore daunting discussion items related to love and life together. Some of these discussions, if had in a constructive way can reduce future conflict, divorce and tension.
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